Ive had enough! Im sick of relying on people only to have it thrown back in my face. Lemme fill you in a little on my life, my dad left my mother when i was abotu 1 1/2yrs old. He had a new wife and a new family, when I went there I was made to feel the outcast and the jealousy from his wife blew up a few times. His family made her daughter feel special, so she didnt feel 'left out' but the eldest grandchild (ie me) always felt pushed out, now whether that was just a kid thing I dont know. When I was 16 my mum decided to carry on a savings account she had set up for me from money that my dad put in that didnt go straight to us, so it was money we did without for my future. She planned it would help me through uni, that was until my dad told her that he was withdrawing it to pay his taxes (he was self employed) I stopped seeing him after that and got myself a part time job. After that I never asked my mum for anything, although she obviously housed me and fed me, I was given a car as my 17th bday present and I paid for everything from the MOT, insurance & petrol. I bought my own clothes, if I wanted to go somewhere I paid for it because I was working.... my mum had scrimped when I was younger and now I had the chance to get the things I wanted without feeling guilty about asking someone else. In time I took my exams and moved away to uni, without any help from my dad (even though I did ask him) I got cheques for christmas from 'her' bank account and soon realised that the friends I had made at university didnt really fill the hole that I felt in my heart. I just wanted people to like me, Ive never really made friends on my own, always been pushed into them except for primary school. At seniors I had moved away from my area so was forced to make these friends otherwise i would rot on my own. At uni, I did what everyone else was doing, I allowed people (not knowingly of course) to use me for their own gain and it made me feel worthless and dirty. I accepted Islam and can honestly say that year and a half from when I started really looking into religion, that was the most I have ever been happy in my life. I came to Canada and have made some good friends alhamdulillah... I try to organise things but it gets hard to explain to my mum if Im away for long and sometimes I dont have the energy, I try to be vague when I just want to tell her everything. I moved out of my mums house nov 2005 after living with her and my stepdad since july 2004 and yes it was hard!! In that time I went through everything, a whole Ramadhan, praying behind locked doors, late prayers from working away and constantly being around my mum of a weekend when 'changing from work clothes' doesnt work. So now Im on my own in my flat... and I mean on my own! Ive been snowed in this weekend, well saturday and it hit me hard how lonely I felt. I was supposed to be going snowboarding on friday, which then got changed to sunday.. and she couldnt even phone me to tell me she couldnt make it. Whats the deal with that? Is it so hard to do? common curtesy!!! subhanallah!Is it that I have this stamp on my forehead that says... 'use me, Ill be here when you need me again' ??? Am I a doormat? am I too nice?
Allahu alim
Assalaamu Alaykum,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, Jazakillahu khayran for sharing this with us. You have been through a lot, but Allah will reward you for evey step you have taken to get closer to Him. I'm sorry that you've been made to feel like an outcast, lonely and used. All I can do sis, is pray for you and offer you some words of comfort. Know that Allah will compensate you for any pain that you feel, be it physical or emotional. And also know that we, your sisters, are here for you.
*hugs*
AsSalaam Alaikum
ReplyDeleteAlhamdulillah, you are one of Allah's "givers". You have given so much to me and many other sisters, and we are much richer for having known you. Unfortunately people like you (and me) are often taken for granted, and people forget that we have feelings too. You are so busy thinking of other people that you forget to let them know that you need love and support too.
I wish you were closer that I could give you a hug, and keep you company - I know how depressing loneliness can be. I know it is hard but try to fill your time with useful things like reading quran and things you enjoy doing, like your stitching. And know you are not alone sister.
Assalamu alaikom,
ReplyDeleteWow, you've been writing some emotional things lately. While I'm honored that you're sharing your innermost thoughts with your friends online (because you don't normally talk this far in depth about how you're feeling)... I can't help but feel concern that you are very unhappy right now. I may not be nearby but you do have my phone number. If you need to let off steam, I'm here. You don't have to publish this comment, by the way. Are you doing all right? What's stressing you out right now? Maybe if you sit down and make a list of what's bothering you right now, you can also come up with ways to deal with some of it.
I am really surprised by some of the things you've said because that was not my perception of things. You seem to have a lot of friends wherever you go. You seem to make friends easily. Those friends seem to genuinely like you. I hope I have never hurt your feelings because I respect you a great deal and in fact, I would have liked for us to be closer friends!
I am really sorry that you feel used by people. I think sometimes people get caught up in their own lives and sometimes forget about the feelings of those around them. That's universal. Even myself, I know I get into blue moods and then I cancel my plans and just stay in. I'm sure more than a few people over the years have thought I was *trying* to hurt their feelings, when in fact, I am always horrified if I find out I've hurt someone's feelings. (For heaven's sake, I will move out of the way for ants when I'm walking down the street. But even so, I *am* guilty of being inconsiderate sometimes. We all are.) Perhaps some of the instances you are thinking of can be attributed to plain old ignorance and not malice. No ill intent.
Family.... ah, family. What can I say, except that I think a person would have a better chance of finding the fountain of youth than they would finding a completely (emotionally) healthy family. I'm not trying to trivialize your feelings -- au contraire. I sympathize because I know how things that happened in *my* childhood, twenty, thirty years ago, still reside in my head and bother me sometimes. So... I hear you there.
I will be really surprised if there are people who think poorly of you. I can't think of one bad thing to say about you. You also do not give off the "I'm a doormat, please walk all over me" vibe to me. You seem self-assured and you often voice your opinion. But it is true that some people just are crappy friends (whether they intend it or not) and so the best option is to just disengage emotionally... I had a friend like that, I couldn't rely on her for anything. Even if it was life or death, she'd probably flake off with a giggle. But I really enjoyed our time together. It was a real dilemma because on one hand I was insulted (by her repeatedly cancelling on me, brushing me off, being flaky with my feelings) but on the other, when we hung out together, I had a lot of fun. I realized that I could still enjoy her company... by renaming our relationship. She was not a friend to me, the relationship (on her end) was not that deep. So when I was able to disengage emotionally, I was cool with the situation.
I just read a quote today somewhere about this very thing, and the quote goes, "Don't consider a person as a priority whom considers you an option."
I hope this long-winded blather was of use to you. Definitely call me anytime you'd like. I am never too busy for you (seriously, when have you called and I've told you that I'm too busy to talk to you? hehe)LOL
Take care.
mmmmmm chocolate. love the template, its yummy.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel with being fed-up with family. And I know how you feel about relationships with other people. I'm sorry things have been so painful. :( inshAllah they will get better.
I guess my advice to you would be focus on loving yourself 100% because when you accept and love yourself above others, people will start treating you like you deserve to be treated.
People are very sensitive to body language, and as a communication graduate I studied it intently, and I revised how I presented myself outwardly. If people even get the hint of you acting like they are doing you a favor, they will use you and not necessarily realize that they are or realize whats happening. As subconscious as it is for you its the same for them.
Now I'm not saying this is what you do, I've never been around you to be able to say that. But it sounds to me like you have a lot of psychological scars and having been doing things on your own for so long you may give off the unintentional vibe that you're a loner.
Also some people are just that way, I'm overt and upfront with people but they still sometimes stand me up.
anyways, I hope that things look up for you inshAllah. And know that we are here, as intangible as this "we" is. :)
As Salaamu Alaikum Sis:
ReplyDeleteMy poor dear, I wish I was there to give you a hug!
You are very sensitive and sweet. Please stay that way. One thing that helps me is that I try to do everything for the sake of Allah (swt). This way it helps me not to feel used and let down.
It works 99.9% of the time!
I am the type who can feel lonely even in a crowd.
Salam aleikum...sis..I have to agree with these sisters. I for one dunno what I would do without you. I know I mother you a lot sometimes, but I don;t even think I would be Muslim without your support. The good you do for others does pay off.and Incha'allah you will be rewarded.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our little "Jihads"
I just have 2 other things to say.
One.. Allah shows us our true freinds. Listen to what he tells you.
second is...I think part of why this happens to you is because they are going through stuff.and some ppl just don;t have the... how can you say... UMPHH....( courage) that you have to pick up the pieces and get things done. They retreat and hide. There is nothing you can really so about this but just know that I am sure it is not personal.
May Allah bless you always.
HUGG