.... not marry someone because of cultural differences that you hadnt yet seen but were sure they would be there
.... not marry someone purely because he couldnt 'provide' for you straight away
.... not marry him because he just might get sent back to his country
Id like to hear peoples experiences in these types of situations insha'allah
Marry someone local who shares similar experiences. A man from a different country will expect you to transform for HIM.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to marry a man who was born and bred in a different country, THEN MAKE SURE HE HAS VALID paperwork and doesn't need you to stay. Don't hassle yourself with the loops of immigration business. I have tonnes of friends struggling, separated from their dear husbands as a result.
Marry someone who is close to your education and has similar views on Islam.
Please don't fall for just anyone. There are a lot of good people out there, especially in the UK!
Assalamu alaikom, IMO:
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't have to be from the same country as me. However, I am NOT providing anybody with a green card. (And I'm not planning a life with somebody who is in the country illegally because if they are willing to defraud the government, who is to say they won't defraud me?) Absolute deal breaker straight away.
Cultural differences should be discussed. It may or may not be a deal breaker.
I don't have high expectations of a partner's earnings, but it should be something reasonable (or it should lead to something reasonable... like, he's in college.)
Why would he get sent back to his country? Sounds like a strange situation, and I don't like drama.
I would only marry the man that felt right...All the other stuff could be just little hurdles on the way...
ReplyDeleteI mean that I would have to trust my gut feeling and do lots of istikhara , leave it to Allah.
Oh and my fave moto for this occasion 'what's love got to do with it...'.
I personally would'nt marry if there was a risk of him being deported or had no visa unless it was true love between us - both of us! Cultural differences? Absolutley! I did and it worked out perfectly and its a great way to learn new things :)
ReplyDeleteLove has no bounds, but without love, it can be too hard.
Asalam Alaykum,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to invite you to a Muslimah forum ukti. I know you will like it a lot please come and at least let us meet you inshAllah. It is called Cafe Muslimah..
http://z3.invisionfree.com/Cafe_Muslimah/index.php?
Love has no bounds but love isn't instant, and I figure I'm not going to bother to nurture something that will only end in heartbreak. I'm a realist, or a pessimist, however you wanna label it. :)I vote: decide with your head, not with your heart.
ReplyDeleteyou have been tagged sis!
ReplyDeletehttp://newmuslimahrevert.blogspot.com/
Love isnt easy... but thats a difficult one...I would say not marry someone as in he has no visa but the cultral differences it can be done as long as you both truly love each other (but it can be tricky does he expect you to change for him according to his culture) but give it a chance you only live once and if Allah wills it shall be sis:)oh yh and the understanding has to be there...
ReplyDeletesalaams sis
ReplyDeletepersonally i think i wouldn't be able to marry someone from another country even if they are from my own ethnic origin,but soemone who has been raised in UK,same religious views,simialar educational background who may not be from same ethinic origin i think will be better suited for me inshaAllah.
About the visa stuff if you have found soemone that you think is suitable yet has immigration issues then talk to a legal advisor as to how long it will take for them to move to UK but be careful sis with this as unfortunaltly some guys are just out for the british passport!
wasalam
xxxx
One such man came and asked for me once. He had come to America to study but his financial support and visa ran out. He stayed and continued to work.
ReplyDeleteHe was born and raised in Palestine with a born and raised in Palestine mentality. I was born and raised in California with a born and raised in California mentality. But we're both Palestinian and Muslim so we each had an understanding where the other was coming from.
He worked in a clothing store. Not exactly the executive status I was looking for. Everyone has to start somewhere though.
I put my faith in Allah and accepted his proposal.
Shortly after being engaged, a death occured in the family making him homesick. He said he wanted to move back to Palestine to live there. I told him he'd be going alone because I refuse to live there. He changed his mind.
We got married, hired an immigration lawyer, and argued constantly. But anyone that is married will tell you, arguing is healthy for a relationship.
January will mark 5 years of being married. 2 beautiful, healthy girls (Alhamdulilah), and a house (okay, so it's a rental, but we've moved out of the apartment), and now I'm the one asking to live in Palestine.
Organica said that the guy will expect you to transform for him. And he did. But I also expected him to transform for me. And he did.
It's give an take. Always. Sometimes you will give more and take less.
Every situation is different.
Just put your faith in Allah.
Aslmu alakum sis
ReplyDeleteHumm its a hard one but if you feel he is the one then marry like Ines said the other stufff are hurddles on the way no marriages are perfect ...these are built over time and why should he change you after all he is marrying a western woman rather than his own. Pray Istikarah and make dua to allah as for true love it is not always there in an arrange marriage straight away .it takes time to appear as you get to know one another.
Make mashwera with those more experienced in this, perform istikharah and then make your decision.
ReplyDeleteI am just recently married to someone from different culture, and from my experience yes there are difficulties you dont expect but the key is good communication - that BOTH of you are good at remaining calm and communicate very well your feelings, thoughts, etc. esp when you are angry ... sometimes things might leave you feeling upset, but once you talk it through you realize it was a culture difference... important to talk in an open and non-accusatory way.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing is it is VERY important to have compatible views of Islamic issues, as sometimes this can be influenced by culture as well; and if your views are clashing with each other this can cause difficulties and tension... when such clashes arrise though, remember that the high status your husband has and the hadith about giving up arguing for the sake of Allah even if you feel you are right. Dont let shaytan get between you by fighting over issues even some fuqaha differ on.
Lots more to consider, but these are my 2 cents...
I did all those things, except for the getting sent back... I don't think that should happen, he is now a permanent resident.
ReplyDeleteThe cultural differences are sometimes harder to take then they seem. But if you are from different cultures but share in your Islamic beliefs, that should be fine.
If there's a chance he'd be able to get a visa and he just doesn't have one, then it doesn't have to be a problem. I didn't see my husband for a year during the process, but we ended up safely and legally together in the end. It's more difficult with different countries and situations though, and it might not be worth it to marry someone if you will have to move to his country because of visa issues.
A friend of mine married someone and they have a son. He's 1 year old and hasn't met his dad and they haven't even started any sort of procedures to get him to her country because they know they'd just get refused. I thought it was hard to get my husband here to Canada, but it seems I'd never have gotten him if I lived where she does.
Providing is important! My husband has been here for 1.5 years and I am still providing. And he hasn't compensated by taking better care of other things -- everything falls on me.
So my advice is to be careful not to let love blind you in the things you think you can accept in a person. And from my experience, I feel like it'd be better to be with someone who has as much in common with you as possible, including being from the same place if possible.
Salam alaykom... I think on we cannot leave it all to Allah, I mean Allah gave us a brain, we need to use it.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a huge advantage over most people in your situation because of al the friends that you have , Al hamdullilah. You know what we've been through..
No matter what.. until you have lived with that person for over a year.. 4 seasons, then there is no way of telling ...people can change with different situations.
but I def feel it very important not to marry someone that does not already have a visa or permanent status... I once believed that everyone has a right to make it in our country...but now I have learned that... one must earn it first in order to appreciate it and it's important that the man especially achieve his own way. cause this can cause such a big prob in a marriage.
Culture differences are a prob... but if you are both marrying for the sake of Allah FIRST and both have fear of God and willingness to communicate, then it can be overcome.
A man that is ready to marry should be able to support.. if not there will be big problems in the marriage no matter how much each of them feel ok with it at first.
As for transforming... I think no matter where a person is from and who they are..ANY marriage is this. You have to find a way to blend two ppl...and make partners...and get along... everyone has to compromise and change...BOTH..not one.
anywya..thats my 2 cents L)
A good friend of mine has married a brother from a totally different backgound who couldn't and still isn't providing for her. Whilst they got on initially, the families have helped to cause many problems between them, they argue constantly, they have now divorced twice, she is pleasing his every request and has just found out he only married her to get stay...
ReplyDeleteAnother of my friends married 3 times - to 3 people not with a british passport. All 3 husbands left her after they got what they wanted...
SAD but true..
i guess there are some happy stories that come out of these situations though hey...
It depends on the guy. I'm married to a Pakistani who was here on a student visa when I met him. He would have gotten work authorization and a visa through his work, but since we got married it was easy to get it all through me instead. He could and did provide for me right away, so really the cultural differences were the only thing we had to work really hard at. And that depends on the guy. If you communicate well, if he's willing to work on these things with you- and both ways - then it can be a lifelong adventure with your best friend (at least it is in my case, Alhumdulillah!)
ReplyDelete