So eventually I worked up the courage to tell my mum that A has asked me to marry him (civil) what did she say? Well how about I tell u what she didn't say? She didn't say congratulations. She didn't ask about the ring or the proposal. She didn't sound happy (she cried!) what more can I say? She told me she didn't like it, that she didn't want me going to Pakistan, that he was marrying me for a passport. She said she had wanted better things for me. The conversation ended in a sharp 'bye' and she slammed down the phone :'( how do I move on from this? She can't take time off over the summer to come over. Do I want her mad at me and not being able to come over? Or do we do the civil on our own then renew later in the year when they can come over? She will be mad maybe still but at least she can see it, see us together.
Allahu alim
Ammena
Via BlogPress on her pretty cute iPhone
I'm so sorry you're having this experience. If you want to email personally, let me know. Insha'Allah she'll take the time to see you together. She may be afraid of changing her mind by finding that you are truly happy. My father was very upset that I was marrying a non-Lebanese, and not only that, but a guy who wasn't Shi'a. Very difficult. He made us wait a year (until we were both 18) and then abruptly had us married by a friend who was in town. It took him long after that to adjust to the idea, but he sort of shrugged his shoulders and said "insha'Allah it's the best path."
ReplyDeleteBtw, we didn't have our civil union + wedding until 4 years later. I realize you have some status issues regarding citizenship. I don't know how pressing it is to get that figured out quickly, but it sounds like your mother is making Islam difficult for you. From what I understand, Islam should come first if a parent is doing that, and if this civil union is going to strengthen your marriage and shared faith, do it now and have the ceremony later. You don't even have to call it a vow renewal. Ours was a wedding for the people who hadn't previously recognized us as married (i.e. the non-Muslim majority of our family). Since they didn't consider us married before, it made them very happy to celebrate our wedding with us. And now we have two anniversaries to celebrate!
Salam alaikom,
ReplyDeleteThat's some very good advice, Shawna. I'm sorry you have both had this issue to deal with.
Ammena, my heart goes out to you that your mother acted this way. I'll be blunt, I don't think your mother would have reacted well unless you were marrying the man she personally selected for you... She would have reacted poorly regardless of who you chose to marry... If it wasn't because he needs papers, it would because he [insert reason here].
Um, I can totally understand if you don't publish this, by the way... I just want to respond to you in a manner that will reach you soonest... and I figure this is better than email because you just recently posted.
Do you mean "A" was on the line and hung it up? You wrote "he" there, so I wasn't sure if it was your mother hanging up or your husband.
I wish I could help. You need to be strong and firm, and yet try to make her feel as though she is included and a part of things (since she likes to be in control.) I'm sorry you couldn't have exactly the memories of this that you'd like.
Regardless of how tough things seem right now, I know you'll get through this rough time, because you are strong, intelligent, and surrounded (online and in person) by people who love you very much.
Take care, my dear.
the doubts your mother has about his intentions are understandable on her part since any parent would feel the same way, i havnt been reading your your blog for long, but i get the impression that the marriage was kinda shotgun, so her doubts about his intentions are understandable,she's only thinking about you, we do not know what the future holds for any of us, however for any marriage to work you have to have trust and put your partner first, your mother will eventually accept it, she has her own life and you have your own, its your marriage and allowing your family to interfere will only damage it, besides your already married islamically, and already in it for long haul, wot difference is a civil marriage really? besides you do not really have a choice do you...
ReplyDeleteAmmena!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your parents are giving you such a hard time. I assure you--God-willing--they will come around.
They will eventually accept and recognize your marriage, but I'm sure it's painful to go through all this without your family. But sometimes we have to be selfish and think of what's best for ourselves.
Sure parents are right on many things, but regardless of the outcome, they will love you either way--I promise.
<3 Cheer up!
Aslamu alakum sister
ReplyDeletesorry to read this and more sorry for your pain. inshaAllah she won't always feel this way and her feeling and thoughts will change as time goes on.