Reliance

Ive had enough! Im sick of relying on people only to have it thrown back in my face. Lemme fill you in a little on my life, my dad left my mother when i was abotu 1 1/2yrs old. He had a new wife and a new family, when I went there I was made to feel the outcast and the jealousy from his wife blew up a few times. His family made her daughter feel special, so she didnt feel 'left out' but the eldest grandchild (ie me) always felt pushed out, now whether that was just a kid thing I dont know. When I was 16 my mum decided to carry on a savings account she had set up for me from money that my dad put in that didnt go straight to us, so it was money we did without for my future. She planned it would help me through uni, that was until my dad told her that he was withdrawing it to pay his taxes (he was self employed) I stopped seeing him after that and got myself a part time job. After that I never asked my mum for anything, although she obviously housed me and fed me, I was given a car as my 17th bday present and I paid for everything from the MOT, insurance & petrol. I bought my own clothes, if I wanted to go somewhere I paid for it because I was working.... my mum had scrimped when I was younger and now I had the chance to get the things I wanted without feeling guilty about asking someone else. In time I took my exams and moved away to uni, without any help from my dad (even though I did ask him) I got cheques for christmas from 'her' bank account and soon realised that the friends I had made at university didnt really fill the hole that I felt in my heart. I just wanted people to like me, Ive never really made friends on my own, always been pushed into them except for primary school. At seniors I had moved away from my area so was forced to make these friends otherwise i would rot on my own. At uni, I did what everyone else was doing, I allowed people (not knowingly of course) to use me for their own gain and it made me feel worthless and dirty. I accepted Islam and can honestly say that year and a half from when I started really looking into religion, that was the most I have ever been happy in my life. I came to Canada and have made some good friends alhamdulillah... I try to organise things but it gets hard to explain to my mum if Im away for long and sometimes I dont have the energy, I try to be vague when I just want to tell her everything. I moved out of my mums house nov 2005 after living with her and my stepdad since july 2004 and yes it was hard!! In that time I went through everything, a whole Ramadhan, praying behind locked doors, late prayers from working away and constantly being around my mum of a weekend when 'changing from work clothes' doesnt work. So now Im on my own in my flat... and I mean on my own! Ive been snowed in this weekend, well saturday and it hit me hard how lonely I felt. I was supposed to be going snowboarding on friday, which then got changed to sunday.. and she couldnt even phone me to tell me she couldnt make it. Whats the deal with that? Is it so hard to do? common curtesy!!! subhanallah!

Is it that I have this stamp on my forehead that says... 'use me, Ill be here when you need me again' ??? Am I a doormat? am I too nice?

Allahu alim

Iman cartoon

http://www.sunnah.org/cartoon/imam/pag1.htm

Please dont get offended or jump down my throat, read it with an open mind the outcome is really quite nice masha'allah

New template

Sucky.... I just uploaded a new template and with it deleted all my links :( sorry guys... insha'allah Ill be able to get them all back. As for news... Im going boarding tonight insha'allah and its going to be free :) heehee, insha'allah the snow storm doesnt come just yet
So girls, if you have ever noticed my comments on your blog and your link isnt attached here.. please comment so I can make more comments on your blogs and link to them insha'allah. Im soo sorry.

If I could speak

I read this book quite awhile ago now, then I lent it to a friend on boxing day who returned it back to me while at RIS a few days later with plenty of good to say about it. I bought the sequel at the convention and am looking at the third book now insha'allah. So while at RIS I lent it onto another revert friend, who too loved it and asked if she could pass it onto a girl who she worked with. While all my friends were over at the weekend she passed it back to me and told me the girl she had lent the book to took her shahada after the book answered many questions for her. Alhamdulillah, la howla wala qwata illa billah. I just wanted to share that all with you :D

... continued

so when we got back to my place we ate and chilled... chatted and watched movies, 3 in the night then we went to sleep (some before others) by about 330 am. Last time my friends stayed we slept after fajr, but it was a welcoming early night seeing as I had been up early that morning. When we woke up in the morning we sort of hung around for abit then I got the energy to get out and try to sort out my car. I took it to the Canadian tire around the corner from my place after phoning them up, the guy told me they werent busy and to bring it in so they could do a $20 check. When I got there the woman said it would be an hour to an hour and a half for a $45 check... I should have walked away. Anyways, long story short, 3 hours later Im walking back to the shop to pick up the car to find that they know whats wrong, its a big problem, they dont have the parts to fix it and I shouldnt be driving back to mississauga to take back the girls. I told the girls what she had said and someone mentioned getting the train, at this everyone sort of went quiet and I felt guilty for bringing them over to mine to leave them stranded here.

So I get back to my place and we get ready to go out to eat at my favourite veggie restaurant here, that everyone loves when I take them there heehee... I had been looking forward to it for so long, but my heart just wasnt in it.. I felt so guilty for not being able to take them.. things were probably a lot quieter around the table, even though there was 5 of us. I just wanted them to come over you know, I miss having people around that I can talk to is that selfish of me? I was looking forward to it for weeks and then the numbers dwindled and Im so fed up of trying to organise things.. I tried to make a vow to myself to stop organising things, but if I dont.. then I dont do anything :( I just sit at home bored out of my brain.. I dont think I have many friends who would phone me up and say, ok im coming over to yours.. I never have done. Ill be so glad when I get married and I will have someone to do something with all the time insha'allah.. ok, dont go telling me im disillusioning myself!!

Anyways, they ended up having to get a taxi home, cause the coolant leaked completely out of the engine in the space of 3 hours.. then they were late for the train, so ended up getting a taxi all the way back to theres. I felt so bad I started crying outside the restaurant and that bothers me... for ppl to see how disappointed I get. Allahu alim.

On Monday I started working the day shift for the week because the days guy has gone to our other plant in USA so Im working his shift. I wake up in the morning to find that the girl I was planning my winnipeg vacation with cant go anymore.... after booking the flight and everything, she told me her husband is getting laid off work the end of April... so Im trying to find someone to go with me to no avail and now looks like I will have to cancel the flight. The good thing that has happened to me this week is that Im booked in officially to take my gun license test in 2 weeks time. There is 3 x 3hr classes then the written test.. insha'allah it wil go ok for me. Although I feel slightly guilty taking this to help me in this job when I already have the intention to give my notice in when I receive my citizenship. Still dont know how Im going to get around that one... hmm, something to think about.

Well, Im off now.... take care peeps.

My weekend

Salam everyone, so here is my latest news.. its been busy busy lately for me, hardly a change I hear some of you say, maybe when I get married I can take a break from all the rushing around I do.

It started on Saturday, I woke up early to start my tajweed course that I mentioned a few weeks ago to you all.. it went well masha’allah.. I was very nervous at first but it soon turned out to be ok after getting the connection established between the 3 of us, alhamdulillah there was only me & Sarah who im totally comfortable with so it wasn’t too bad. I thought she was sooo going to pick up on every word I said to tell me it wasn’t pronounced correctly but she didn’t, I was pleasantly surprised. My regrets? Not closing down all my windows first (I get so distracted sometimes) and not making notes from the start of the lesson. Sarah has already had some sort of Arabic lessons so knows the ‘vowels’ and stuff… whereas I don’t at all!! So insha’allah next lesson will be different. I found out that she couldn’t do a class during the week with me which is unfortunate especially with the time difference, I can have a class when the UK and Saudi generally are working or after they have finished work :D alhamdulillah.

Anyways, distracted again :) So after that I was chatting to a friend who was supposed to be coming over to mine in the afternoon to find out that she didn’t think she could make it because she couldn’t get a lift.. the person who was supposed to be giving the lifts, well her car wasn’t well at all. So on the spur of the moment I decided to drive the hour back to where I used to live to pick up 3 different groups of people – well that is 4 people all together just from 3 different venues. On my way to picking them up my car decided to overheat from leaking coolant again, so this is where the stress began :P I filled it back up with antifreeze and made my way over, all the time thinking what if this happens again as Im driving them back tomorrow (Sunday) or on my way back from snowboarding when its dark. So I decided to get it looked at either that day if it was a quick thing or the next day before I took them home. I picked up everyone (photos to follow, Im in work... shhh) and at around 515pm we left from Mississauga to Cambridge with a full car of people and pillows :D We stopped at sushi, and blockbusters on the way back in Cambridge and picked up some goodies then got back to mine and ordered pizza. Another friend arrived just as we did with her son and some nibbles, carrot cake, timbits and fruit for fondue yummy :D

More to follow :D